The Shadow of Death

The Shadow of Death

Br. Noli Atabay, SSS

There had been moments in my life when everything went smoothly. I just moved around in high spirit with glittering eyes coupled with some confident smiles. Deep within, I experienced joy, love and peace. It was like heaven. But all things passed away when my parents died. It was the moment when I fell into the abyss of discouragement which squeezed my whole being to the extent of giving up and losing hope to fight and to carry on.

I felt abandoned and rejected. I asked myself who will take care of me. I was only 12 years old then. In this world, it is difficult to live when nobody cares, loves and guides us especially when you are at a tender age of 12.What do I know? I kept on asking if there is God. Why did He allow this event to happen? I was asking then, does He really love me? At that moment I was angry with God. Yes, in fact, I blamed Him for what had happened to me to the extent that I refused to recognize His presence. I became skeptical and my young faith started to dwindle.

I stood to my own. I worked at a very young age in order to survive. But many years thereafter, I came to realize that God did not abandon me. He loves me despite my imperfections and weaknesses. He embraced me for who I am. God showed his love continually, no matter what, no matter how. God is a God of love... and that is beyond human imagination.

He allowed me to experience death by experiencing pain so that I may resurrect. As Jose Saramago in his novel, Death at Intervals says, “If there is no death, there is no resurrection”. The life of Jesus has shown this paradigm that He had to experience death in order to resurrect- and in order to experience the fullness of life. At that time when my parents died, I also felt death because of the death of my loved ones. I cannot fathom the message of God at that time. I was too young and the pain was simply unbearable. As time went by and as I have become a matured person I realized that it made me a better person, it made me stronger to face life’s adversities and challenges, it me made acknowledge that despite the negative experiences God is there. Truly, "whatever hurts you, blesses you... your darkness is your candle," to borrow the words of a Sufi mystic poet. That was a turning point in my life which led me to accept what life is all about, and that it is never complete unless pain is there; for such is the beauty of living.

Indeed, in life, we will experience the shadow of death yet; the light of Christ will continue to shine. With the shadow of death I have experienced the demise of my parents, and have I discovered the real meaning of Life in God! Death after all is a prelude to life that lasts forever.